it goes without saying that episode 4 burnt out several weeks ago, but it is officially easter morning here & i deem it time for this hot mess to rise up from the grave. the episode opens with the world at large (& the housemates in particular) collectively despising natalie, mostly because she utters things like "i'm not boring" with an ultra-bland voice & an expressionless mask. after everyone lets out a long critical yawn, the girls book it to j alexander's charm school, where they are greeted by this graceful creature:
she exhibits her legendary pre-op-strut for our hapless wannabes while flailing a silk hankie & purring helpful tips like "ooh, elegance .." -- most of the models-in-trannying can't comprehend this crystal-clear advice, & simply stumble down the scarlet walk-way, portraying walks that supposedly cry "help me." in typical antm fashion, the teach strays from practical to cracktical; allison learns to walk like so:
after showing us all the proper usage of a monocle & sullying the floor with earl grey, miss j introduces two familiar faces, aka former contestants notable for losing cycle 9 to a bob-cut midget: enter chantal & bianca. the girls feign star-struck gasps, & nijah claims that "it was crazy seeing them, like, right there in person." oh please! if i had a dollar for every top model i've seen on the street (usually looking severely busted) i'd have .. like $8 but that's besides the point since these bitches are not celebrities to anyone but me. the hired amazons teach 'catwalk respect,' otherwise known as common sense. bianca, i'm glad you got over that airport beatdown with nikki blonski & co, but a freighter-load of eyeshadow only serves to remind us all of your assumed shiner:
the girls go home & indulge in a lame-ass round of truth&dare. while watching this pathetic scene, i couldn't help but reminisce about the blissful days of cycle 1, when those broads forced miss j to judge their bedonkadonk contest during his house-visit. damn, kesse could bring some serious bounce for a church-girl! regardless, a tyramail comes in & .. hold up. teyana. te. ya. na. wtfug kind of creature ARE you?!?
listen, i know she had a seriously funked-up weave at the time, but her face. her body. i just .. can't even begin to explain the confusion & discomfort she brings me. she looks like one of those horrifying walking trees from lord of the rings. whatever - she catches a break & wakes up early to sit through hours of torture so that she can finally have a fabulous head of synthetic hair:
ummm WHAT?? yes, this is the new weave! how is that any less fucked-up & wonky?? girl has a legit sevenhead going on (& on); why couldn't they pop a bang in there or some shit? this is beyond me & i really don't want to talk about it anymore so a new paragraph has been mandated.OKAY! a walking challenge is predictably in order & the girls will be strutting their junk in a jill stuart show. i was very pleasantly shocked by the a-list name recognition, but let's be honest: the garments were disgusting & the show was completely staged. no other models even walked the runway, which was super-thin & cluttered with gimmicky obstacles. who even attends these jokes?? i mean, i would without a second thought .. but that's only because i'm a shameless bitch who loves a good laugh. everyone was pretty unremarkable, except for natalie who did some lame twirl; i'm still convinced she was trying to wriggle the sharp stick out of her nono, but to each her own.
i personally favored fo's walk, mostly for the sassy little side-step she did at the end of the runway. after the show, the lollipops line up & brace themselves for atoosa rubenstein's infinitely obnoxious name & j-stu's child-like criticism. did no one else feel like she was rivaling paula abdul with her med-voice? she seriously sounded like a robot with down's sydrome as she interrupted atoosa to blurt, "you felt like a ballerina!" apparently, i wasn't the only one irked:
aminat's repressed fury & angry-face collarbones make her face ever-so-slightly prettier. but unfortunately for her, she will forever look like she's recovering from a particularly brutal shovel-fight. i don't even care what natalie wins. a dress? lovely. moving on, the photoshoot is essentially tourist-themed & in a fittingly tedious twist, all the girls must work in groups to emote their over-the-top nyc area-related themes. tahlia proclaims that she "needs to bring the confidence"; she in fact needs to bring herself to a weightwatcher's meeting, stat. the shoot was kind of blah in gen, but the photographer was so hot!! mike rosenthal, feel free to take a snapshot of me slipping a roofie into your drink!
i know he's totally a recyclable antm entity, but i realized we were soul mates when he snapped at nijah, "this isn't, like, a family portrait." he can star in my future snl segment, delicious bitch. & when i say snl segment i mean sextape. moving on! fo further endears herself to me as she gets into her nasty wall st character: "talk to this fool, talk to him." in other news, sutan wins this cycle by merit of his ten-second cameos in every episode. what kind of accent does he even have?? it's like mr. garrison & cher had a bastard child .. which i wouldn't put past those skanks. also HOW MUCH PRETZEL WAS TEYONA EATING??
let me just say, i love allison. but she really needs to get a grip asap & stop being so wack. what is this sentence: "i was thoroughly frightened because i couldn't be able to be a believable snotty rich girl."just .. how. anyway, PANEL. it's honestly beyond me to try to explain what was going on this week so i'm just going to quote tyra & pray these pics scare you as much as they did me."as festive as my colorful shirt"
"working the ponytail & the bang"
"one. by. ONE." (as cam zooms in dramatically)
one from miss j: "are yo knees ashy??"
& finally, the cherry on top: [to teyana] "your hair looks SO much better!"
(there is already too much photo-evidence of said weave in this post.)
oh yeah. sandra is called first, & allison almost gets sent home but nijah goes instead, as tyra howls, "PUSH. TENSION. STRONG."
the end.post about 7 to come.
love nick.
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