the sixth installment of the cycle picks up where the fifth left off, specifically
drama central! it's night-time in the big city. the girls stumble home from panel, & even though we all know they really just "wanna take off they shoes & throw UP,"
aminat &
teyana are ready to take those heels & beat a bitch with them!
tahlia doesn't want to burn any cals by descending the staircase, so aminat decides to "go downstairs & handle her business" .. which apparently means spattering random girls with unintelligible insults. to
allison: "don't act like you're confused & sad & don't know what's going on" -- umm .. isn't that how she always looks? the height of the dramz occurs when aminazi slurs at
natalie, "you'll nevah be worth nuthin!!" & air-stabs with her gumby-esque apendages:
tahlia appears momentarily to be a lump of fried lard & gurgle the ambiguous phrase, "that is SO real!"; the pseudo-fight comes to a close & suddenly
jay manuel is dead-eying me in a creepy stone courtyard surrounded by mannequins. he dons his façade of fashion know-how & informs the girls that being dubbed 'just a mannequin' can be (using his very-best
tyra-timing) "the kiss. of.
death!" -- at which point he theatrically tips over a mannie & shatters it, as the girls stare on unaffected by the ridiculousness of everything around them:
did they really have a cam positioned to get that petrifying shot?? i'm seriously gonna need to pop a xanax before window-shopping now so i don't have a panic attack or night terrors! they all flee the scene of the crime & are introduced to
howard stern's wife, who's supposedly an accomplished model because she was repeatedly featured on the cover of .. wait for it .. HAMPTONS magazine. jay claims that means she has "variety" despite the fact that her bland, skinny ass is dishing out the same (albeit pretty) smile in every pic. still, she married a nasty skank & has probably mastered every kinky bedroom art (read: lemon party) so her opinion must have some value.
for a millisecond i expected the challenge to be something relevant, but silly me! -- this is ANTM, & instead a curtain is drawn back to reveal giant faceless cardboard cut-outs of tyty. the aspiring models are made to pose in them like tourists on a field trip to hell.
sandra rues the day she tried to proclaim that "this is not a comedy show" --
in an adjacent cardboard tyra,
celia lets it show that she mistucked her peen today:
in the end, both of these two beauties are ignored & fifty extra frames are awarded to natalie instead. yawnziez. i still think the crown should've gone to
fo; after all, she won it with her spunky, faux-ghetto "feeeeeeeuhss" before the challenge even went down!! look at the consortium of blank fingers wagging back at her in approval:
back at the house, blahlia & cc make up in their respective irritating voices while tahlia binges (surprise); the world continues not to care. our concubines are swiftly shipped off to their next photoshoot, which completely abandons wordplay in its hint; allison recalls it deliciously in her droopy teenage tones: "you guys look pale how bout some color." it's predictably a beauty-shoot, in which (as mr. jay elaborates, spasming) each model will have paint "splashed across your face, all artistic-like!" in real life, this translates to the ever-fab
sutan essentially spitting on them through a straw. i watched, aghast, murmuring "no .." each time he performed his task:
sidenote: although antm has never possessed the influence to actually form a contestant into a 'top model,' it
has effortlessly stripped its entrants of every pigment of shame. cc's interview was taken
on the street. in
new york city. she looks like she got shit on by a gargoyle before hitting up half-off wednesdays at salvation army. if i'd walked by at this moment i would've taken her for a tranny who barely survived a gay-bashing (as i hastily avoided shim):
sandra has been getting the loser-edit for a few weeks now; when she leaves us i'll miss her unique take on the english language: "i worked really .. current .. to be here." she needs to add a few more syllables to the end of each word & several thousand decibals to her volume in order to rival
jade, the master of neologisms. meanwhile, celia decides to "go out twirling" & continues to have the face of a child-molester & the body of the crypt-keeper:
everyone shuffles off to judging, where tyra gives her usual saccharine intro & points out that
paulina is bringing her cougar-game (probably in more senses than one):
when she mentions
keith major, she obviously takes the opportunity to boast about her fabulous & lucrative post-modeling career; the screen shifts to strobe-light mode & a jarring 'WAY WUH-WAY WUH-WAY' is heard as random shots of tyranasaurus flit across:
uhh .. not sure about that pose, ty, but i guess you're 'retired' for a reason? judging commences & the powers that be drool over tahlia & teyana -- they're both unbelievably photogenic, or as tyra eloquently lilts, "to look better in pictures than in person." thanks for the elaboration, t. i don't see what the big deal is about tahlia; to me her face looks as strange & distorted as her burn-victim bod:
teyana, however, remains a complete mystery. also .. didn't tyra supposedly fix that weave?? please explain. fo is decidedly fierce, & provides tyra with yet another opportunity to channel
posh, shouting "MAYJUH!" whilst making this monstrous expression:
work that shit out, fo! although she's super-short, fofo is instantly lovable -- it was obvious she was hustlin' at the shoot like her morgage was due. nigel hits the figurative nail on sandra's arrogant head: "it's not fashion, it's not beauty, it's just sort of .. there. it's like hey, here's a picture of me." only he left out the part about her being a creepy voodoo witch; if you feel a prick in your side tonight you know she's at work!
i think my personal fave is miss allison, with her incredible doe-eyes. okay, so what if she gives the same exact expression in every shot? she's this season's awkward, clueless waif & probably has the only truly stand-out face in the bunch. mr. jay called london "genius" during the shoot, but i guess she didn't thoroughly "explore the gamut of blue," because paulina thinks, "she vomited blue & then she died." to be fair, london's make-up
actually looks like she got spit on (which, let me remind you, she did):
after d-lib time, tyra cheesily snarks that one girl won't be "going somewhere. over. the rainbow!" fo gets called first for her red-hot pic, & the two nasties left photoless are sandi & cc. they obs just wanted an excuse to kick sandra off, but it was still infinitely amusing to hear tyra warble, disoriented: "can you getcherrr head around a shhhhhtraight shhot?" ty makes sure cc learns her lesson by making it about herself & naomi campbell, claiming she "mess't wit ma money fer yeeeears," then deigns to hug sandra & send her bald egotism packin'. & stay tuned for the greatest antm wtf to date next week:
YES THAT'S
CLAY AIKEN.
tahlia appears momentarily to be a lump of fried lard & gurgle the ambiguous phrase, "that is SO real!"; the pseudo-fight comes to a close & suddenly jay manuel is dead-eying me in a creepy stone courtyard surrounded by mannequins. he dons his façade of fashion know-how & informs the girls that being dubbed 'just a mannequin' can be (using his very-best tyra-timing) "the kiss. of. death!" -- at which point he theatrically tips over a mannie & shatters it, as the girls stare on unaffected by the ridiculousness of everything around them:
did they really have a cam positioned to get that petrifying shot?? i'm seriously gonna need to pop a xanax before window-shopping now so i don't have a panic attack or night terrors! they all flee the scene of the crime & are introduced to howard stern's wife, who's supposedly an accomplished model because she was repeatedly featured on the cover of .. wait for it .. HAMPTONS magazine. jay claims that means she has "variety" despite the fact that her bland, skinny ass is dishing out the same (albeit pretty) smile in every pic. still, she married a nasty skank & has probably mastered every kinky bedroom art (read: lemon party) so her opinion must have some value.
for a millisecond i expected the challenge to be something relevant, but silly me! -- this is ANTM, & instead a curtain is drawn back to reveal giant faceless cardboard cut-outs of tyty. the aspiring models are made to pose in them like tourists on a field trip to hell. sandra rues the day she tried to proclaim that "this is not a comedy show" --
in an adjacent cardboard tyra, celia lets it show that she mistucked her peen today:
in the end, both of these two beauties are ignored & fifty extra frames are awarded to natalie instead. yawnziez. i still think the crown should've gone to fo; after all, she won it with her spunky, faux-ghetto "feeeeeeeuhss" before the challenge even went down!! look at the consortium of blank fingers wagging back at her in approval:
back at the house, blahlia & cc make up in their respective irritating voices while tahlia binges (surprise); the world continues not to care. our concubines are swiftly shipped off to their next photoshoot, which completely abandons wordplay in its hint; allison recalls it deliciously in her droopy teenage tones: "you guys look pale how bout some color." it's predictably a beauty-shoot, in which (as mr. jay elaborates, spasming) each model will have paint "splashed across your face, all artistic-like!" in real life, this translates to the ever-fab sutan essentially spitting on them through a straw. i watched, aghast, murmuring "no .." each time he performed his task:
sidenote: although antm has never possessed the influence to actually form a contestant into a 'top model,' it has effortlessly stripped its entrants of every pigment of shame. cc's interview was taken on the street. in new york city. she looks like she got shit on by a gargoyle before hitting up half-off wednesdays at salvation army. if i'd walked by at this moment i would've taken her for a tranny who barely survived a gay-bashing (as i hastily avoided shim):
sandra has been getting the loser-edit for a few weeks now; when she leaves us i'll miss her unique take on the english language: "i worked really .. current .. to be here." she needs to add a few more syllables to the end of each word & several thousand decibals to her volume in order to rival jade, the master of neologisms. meanwhile, celia decides to "go out twirling" & continues to have the face of a child-molester & the body of the crypt-keeper:
everyone shuffles off to judging, where tyra gives her usual saccharine intro & points out that paulina is bringing her cougar-game (probably in more senses than one):
when she mentions keith major, she obviously takes the opportunity to boast about her fabulous & lucrative post-modeling career; the screen shifts to strobe-light mode & a jarring 'WAY WUH-WAY WUH-WAY' is heard as random shots of tyranasaurus flit across:
uhh .. not sure about that pose, ty, but i guess you're 'retired' for a reason? judging commences & the powers that be drool over tahlia & teyana -- they're both unbelievably photogenic, or as tyra eloquently lilts, "to look better in pictures than in person." thanks for the elaboration, t. i don't see what the big deal is about tahlia; to me her face looks as strange & distorted as her burn-victim bod:
teyana, however, remains a complete mystery. also .. didn't tyra supposedly fix that weave?? please explain. fo is decidedly fierce, & provides tyra with yet another opportunity to channel posh, shouting "MAYJUH!" whilst making this monstrous expression:
work that shit out, fo! although she's super-short, fofo is instantly lovable -- it was obvious she was hustlin' at the shoot like her morgage was due. nigel hits the figurative nail on sandra's arrogant head: "it's not fashion, it's not beauty, it's just sort of .. there. it's like hey, here's a picture of me." only he left out the part about her being a creepy voodoo witch; if you feel a prick in your side tonight you know she's at work!
i think my personal fave is miss allison, with her incredible doe-eyes. okay, so what if she gives the same exact expression in every shot? she's this season's awkward, clueless waif & probably has the only truly stand-out face in the bunch. mr. jay called london "genius" during the shoot, but i guess she didn't thoroughly "explore the gamut of blue," because paulina thinks, "she vomited blue & then she died." to be fair, london's make-up actually looks like she got spit on (which, let me remind you, she did):
after d-lib time, tyra cheesily snarks that one girl won't be "going somewhere. over. the rainbow!" fo gets called first for her red-hot pic, & the two nasties left photoless are sandi & cc. they obs just wanted an excuse to kick sandra off, but it was still infinitely amusing to hear tyra warble, disoriented: "can you getcherrr head around a shhhhhtraight shhot?" ty makes sure cc learns her lesson by making it about herself & naomi campbell, claiming she "mess't wit ma money fer yeeeears," then deigns to hug sandra & send her bald egotism packin'. & stay tuned for the greatest antm wtf to date next week:
YES THAT'S CLAY AIKEN.
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