the episode opens with a quote from the most humble girl in the house as she views her winning photo: "wow i look so hot." sandra, let me be the first to tell you: you need to get a grip! & wtf does "bomb-ass" even mean?? this psycho is beyond me & i might love it -- she sort of hearkens back to the epitome of delusion, jade. actually, i rescind that comment; it's an insult to compare.
the girls perk up for a "special surprise" aka a former antm contestant with a pricetag, the f.a.b.o. toccara. honestly, at this point i'd much rather see this bitch interact in a sleepover environment than the theatrical tyrabot, although i must say: girl has gotten tiny! even though her tits are still ginorm, she is a lollipop shell of her former plus-size tortilla. voilà! --
also i'm concerned about her use of the phrase, "i lived on to be on the covers of numerous magazines .."; it sounds like an obituary. i lolled when natalie deemed her "like every girl's inspiration," but serious props for vogue italia, t-bone. & more of this please:
meanwhile, sandra continues to have brain damage, slurring, "this is not a comedy show." oh honey, i beg to differ. after tocarra sashays her big beautiful self out the door, the ladies are escorted to marquis, where spotlights & cheesy music illuminate benny ninja, with perfect comedic timing. he casually awaits their arrival, relaxing like so:
this is the stuff of my nightmares.
mr. ninja introduces the girls to his irrelevant model-dj & displays an array of refined posing techniques in time to some bizarre melodies.
it's obvious that the girls are just prompted to respond over-enthusiastically in interviews, but i still love the videos they produce.
"benny is an AMAZING poser!" i don't know what's going on with aminat's face either, but her assertion that "it's okay to be loud" made me lose interest in her pseudo-sass. benny proceeds to bitchily & arbitrarily bark at the models as they dancepose to different musical genre stereotypes. these pictures essentially speak for themselves:
benny won me over with his words of wisdom: "smell hay if you have to, okay?? think of horse dung!" modeling is not pretty & this tranny-in-training knows it! in summary: sandra's on crack, fo & london are passable, teyona is a creature, celia is a drag-queen, kortnie fails in general (especially by insisting on spelling her name like that), & tahlia .. is fat.
okay! the contestants whine about how hard & stressful living in a huge house for free is, then are swiftly whisked away to more gayness, whence london narrates with discretion: "i see benny & .. two others."
that would be the blondes, some random homo fashion squad who assumedly indulge in the pleasures of botox. i'm enamoured with "phillipe" for her spot-on samantha from satc rasp & charming ability to speak without disturbing any facial muscles, although i did choke a little when she promised "a fabulous, handmade, one-of-a-kind dress, straight off the runway," while the close-up shows the shiny, thrift-store tranny gear floating in the background.
btw can someone please help me interpret's benny's gimmicky catch-phrase "go get yer hair did & yer ??? a-snatched??" i can't even! the girls run off to toss on tacky blonde wigs & showcase their posing skilz in front of a live audience of glittery queens (read: regal!!). i'm sorry but we really need to discuss the fact that celia IS a drag queen, with or without drag getup. behold! --
she obviously wins round 1, although is almost challenged by teyona's lanky tranny ways. kortnie continues to be a general disappointment & look like a bloated brooke hogan (which is saying a lot):
tahlia .. is still fat & unbecoming.
the gays clap/finger-wag it out; celia works her glittery gown while natalie stumbles & doesn't "dip deep into her pose bag." benny ninja would deem this "sow-uh" (is that new gay underground lingo? i can't keep up). celia wins her tranny dress award, floating in her little smug bubble.
back at the house, allison pops on her favorite wtf ensemble, which just pushes tahlia over the edge. honestly, it's not as if she's the first contestant to question her place on the show. sure, they usually leave early, but celia's acting as if tahlia gave her the clap! let the bitch have her breakdown! need i remind you that she's nasty, lazy-eyed, & has body scarring? trust me, miss "inspiration" is not lasting long in this competish.
a tyramail materializes, & the floozies hear they'll be "migrating to ny to make their dreams come true" -- obviously birds, right? seriously, how retarded are these girls; that was as close to literal as it gets. it did, however, allow for london to experience a delicious spasm.
the theme of the shoot is assorted immigrants trekking to ellis island & looking poverty-chic. it seemed like most of our beauties (& others) worked out the shoot, although i feel like they're all kind of mediocre at this point. someone needs to step up & be sensaysh. benny floated in the periph of the picture, somehow attempting to portray each model's husband, in the same way that jakie pretends to be reese's boytoy. i've grown to enjoy jay manuel over the years, if for nothing more than quips like, "this boat sunk on the way to ellis island." it's beyond me:
i must confess, all was going well until i spotted this demonic tilda swinton-esque child creeping about the set. every picture he's in is like the scariest scene in the lion, witch, & wardrobe remake.
this "rules to owning your inner fierceness" bullshit is nauseating. really, tyra? really?? who is this little child-for-rent in these horrifying over-exposed vignettes? just .. what. what. is. teyana.
how can a girl who looks like such a string-bean pump out that dynamic picture.
she doesn't have eyes in real life. please explain.
the judges raved over allison's picture but i think she looks somewhat wide & awk-weird. anyone else? paulina is the best current judge in my opinion, in spite of her spooky headtilt-smile combo. allison kind of does look like the older sister, "because mommy died on the trip over." not so appropriate but oh-so appreciated. please note mini-tilda in the periph haunting my life.
as panel winds down, tyranasarus give us the more of the same crazy, finds yet nother opportunity to say "tension," & lilts "absolutely stunning" in a british accent.
& benny kills the word sour forever while wearing an atrocious tie.ominous electrobeats buzz as tyra begins to hand out photos, so you know some dramatic shit is about to go down. tahlia is called first thanks to her mamasita look, & the two left standing are sandra & kortnie. when tyty bids farewell to kortnie, the cam pans in on celia, who then jumps to make her move --
-- & shamelessly tosses tahlia under the bus! ty shakes her furious weave, splurts some frozen robotic monologue, & sends kortnie packing regardless of cc's confession. i completely agree with b.ninj on this one when he said "she just isn't model material." that about wraps it up! tyra, take it away with a condescending leer:
so hopefully this post works, & the pictures are big enough to view!
once i get my bearings in the blogosphere, everything will be smooth like buttah.
à bientôt!
<3 nick
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